I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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