Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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