its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
