I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
