I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
