did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
