I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
