hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
