Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
