I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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