I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
