Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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