Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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