your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
