I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my being single is dangerous.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
