hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Two words: nipple clamps
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