Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
