Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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