there's paper in my vomit.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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