My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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