im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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