There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
