I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
