Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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