I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
