Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
