That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
