i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
