I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
