The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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