i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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