I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
