how can u be prego again
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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