So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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