weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
