My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
