I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
