ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
