right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
