One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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