# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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