i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
