I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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