I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
