Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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