im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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