in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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