I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
