I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
