I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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