Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
