I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
